


February 2005

by gothclark



Series: freak4ever - the Journal of Clark Kent [20]
Category: Smallville
Genre: M/M, Sexual Content, Wordcount: 5.000-10.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-10
Updated: 2013-03-10
Packaged: 2017-12-04 21:05:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/715079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothclark/pseuds/gothclark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Whitney returns and causes havoc in Clark's life.<br/>Lex and Lionel's family dynamics thrust Clark's family in the middle of danger.</p>
            </blockquote>





	February 2005

01 February @ 11:23 pm

It feels like January took forever to end. I keep trying to tell Mom about Lex, but every time I see her face, I can't say the words. She doesn't need this right now. She's working so hard and maybe I can just let this slide. It's not like Lex is going to say anything and it'll be fine. I totally trust Lex.

Nothing has changed with Pete and Chloe. Pete gives me these pathetic looks. He told me today that he really misses Chloe. Pete and I had lunch together a few feet away from Chloe and Lana.

I feel kind of tired tonight. I don't get tired easily so maybe it's something else. I miss Lex and I could call him but I have this huge essay to write and Dad ordered me to work on that. He told me that my grades had better not suffer. I do all my work and I still manage to do my share of the chores. 

I keep picking up my cell phone, thinking I should call Lex. It's not like we have to talk every day, or see each other all the time. He's really busy and I have schoolwork, which is starting to pile up in a big way. 

Ugh, school sucks. Now I want to throw my books in a bonfire or maybe burn them with my eyes. I could say things got out of hand and that I was thinking about Lex. 

I doubt that would go over well with Dad.

 

02 February @ 11:14 pm

Lex is busy with work and we made a date for Friday, but still... I wanted to see him today. I miss him. I want him. I should get everything I want. The truth is, I never do. If I did, Lex would know the whole truth and I wouldn't be so afraid to tell him. I wouldn't feel my stomach clench every time I think about him knowing about my strength. I don't regret that I told him, I really don't. It's just, I haven't seen him since and it's driving me insane!

When I called he said he has a meeting in the morning that he has to get ready for that. I even tried to talk him into taking a break but he promised me Friday, so I guess I'll just have to wait until then.

At least Chloe is finally willing to give Pete a break. She's still angry with him and I can understand. It's not like Lana and Chloe wanted this. Lana is still uncomfortable with people knowing.

 

04 February @ 12:24 pm

It's been almost a week since I've seen Lex and last night when I called, I got his voice mail. I told Mom what I showed Lex. She didn't freak but she was understandably concerned about how this would change things between Lex and me. I am too. She said Lex is distant and looks tired. 

I did this to him. Knowing even this one thing about me is tearing him apart. I just know it. What if I made a mistake? What if showing him destroys my relationship with him?

He hates me. Why else would he be avoiding me like this? He was probably so horrified when I showed him. He stayed calm until he could get away from me. He must think that I'm disgusting. He must hate me so much by now.

I wish I'd never shown him. Mom is right. This will change things. I can't tell him more. I can never tell him that I'm not even human, and that all these people in Smallville are dead because of me. All these freaks the meteors created are there because of me. He's probably going to break up with me tonight. I can just see it now. 

'Sorry, freak you are not worthy of me. I don't touch monsters like you.'

I'm a total freak. I'm not even human. If I had told Lex about all of it, this would have already been over and I could have moved on. I would have died inside. I already am dying inside. I want it to be over. I want him to break my heart so it can end and I can be a monster inside like I am outside. 

Hands that crush and eyes that burn: I'll never be normal no matter what.

 

05 February @ 12:02 am

Lex called me this afternoon. He asked me to meet him at the Talon at six for our date.

I couldn't go. I was too afraid and I thought for sure that he was going to break up with me because he'd come to the conclusion that it would be better that we not be together. I was so wrong. After Mom and Dad went out for dinner I went out to the loft. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but I ended up losing control. It doesn't happen often these days, but I was so upset, when I picked up my cell phone to use it, I crushed it. Just like that, I just closed my fist and it was little bits of plastic and wires: dead.

I hate when that happens. I hate when I lose control. 

I touched the necklace that Lex gave me. I do that sometimes to calm myself down. I ended up breaking the clasp. Just one tiny miscalculation and it snapped off. How could I have ever thought that I could be with somebody so fragile when just one flick of my wrist could break bones?

When I didn't show up at the Talon for our date, Lex came looking for me. He found me in the loft with my broken necklace. I didn't even care if he saw my tears. He took me in his arms and told me he loves me no matter what. He told me that there was nothing I could tell him that could ever make him hate me.

After that, I gave him the necklace so he could have it fixed.

I feel calm right now. I feel like I can do anything as long as Lex believes in me. He does believe in me. I love him and one day I will tell him everything. 

After that, we ordered in pizza and watched a movie. It was so perfect. I wanted him to stay, but he had to go home. His kiss good night was the most toe-curling kiss I have ever experienced. 

Lex makes me feel like I'm worthy of love.

@ 08:49 pm

I woke up this morning feeling totally awesome. Last night is just a distant memory.

Today when I was with Pete at the Talon, he kept telling me that his latest girlfriend was the magic one. I couldn't stop smiling. All I could think about was how lucky I am to have Lex. A part of me just wanted to tell Pete. I know he wouldn't understand. His new girlfriend showed up with a friend. Pete tried to fix me up on a blind date. It wasn't totally a blind date. I've met Paula around before. She's nice, so I was very polite. I think she was mortified because her friend had tricked her.

Pete and Jenny went to the counter to get a coffee. It was a total ploy to give Paula and me time to get to know each other. Paula laughed it off and we talked. We have nothing in common. Fortunately I couldn't kill Pete on the spot, or I would be in jail right now.

Once Pete and Jenny returned, Paula declared that she and I were madly in love. I totally spewed my latte all over the place.

After Paula and Jenny left, Pete declared that I was going to die a virgin. If his intention was to get me laid, that was so not the way to do it. I urged him never to do that again. When he pressed me, I told him that I'm already in love with somebody else. I didn't elaborate but he immediately thought it was Lana. I let him think what he wanted to think. So then I had to listen to an hour of him telling me that I'm barking up the wrong tree. It was kind of funny to watch. 

Sometimes I can be so cruel to my friends. It's not my fault that he can't think outside the box.

 

06 February @ 11:20 pm

Why did she have to have that stupid necklace with her? I went to the Talon to help Lana with a leaky pipe. I wasn't very helpful since I turned the pipe the wrong way and sprayed water everywhere. Once Lana got me a towel to dry off, we talked about Whitney. He's still missing but his things were sent home. His mom gave her back the necklace. She brought out this nice box. It looked similar to the one Lex gave me. The box she got must have also been made of lead since I didn't feel the effects of the meteor rock until she opened it. 

It's been so long that I had forgotten how much it hurts. I could go forever without ever feeling that painful twist in my gut whenever I'm near those green rocks.

Lana said she's waiting to hear about Whitney before she'll wear it again. Which means if she puts it on, I will have to stay away from her. I keep hoping that the next day will be the day we hear something. Anything is better than not knowing.

 

07 February @ 04:40 pm

Lana's been working herself to the bone since she found out about Whitney being missing in action. I thought that I could treat her to a nice relaxing weekend, so I asked her if she wanted to go to the winter festival in Grandville with me this weekend. Then Whitney showed up. 

It was so freaky to see Whitney. We all hoped for the best, but this is just so amazing and a little confusing because Lana rushed right into his arms when she saw him. I didn't think things between her and Chloe were so bad that she'd want to run to Whitney. Maybe they aren't. Lana was probably just so happy to see him alive.

When I got home from school, I talked to my parents about what happened. Mom and Dad know about Lana and Chloe because in a small town everybody knows everything about everybody. That's why Lex and I have to be so careful all the time. Dad got mad at me because I was thinking of skipping out on the welcome home party that Lana was throwing for Whitney. I feel a little guilty. It's just when I saw him, some of those feelings I felt about what he did to me last year came rushing back. It was stupid and the scarecrow thing happened so long ago, but I couldn't help it.

I know we sort of mended things and he did say sorry before he left but ever since my parents found out about what happened, it sometimes comes back to haunt me.

So I have to go and I'll be really nice to Whitney and tell him that I watched out for Lana just like I promised. I'll put everything behind me and set everything aside. I know that Lana would want me to do that.

I never even realized I was holding onto these feelings. I really need to let them go. I wish I could talk to Lex about it, but then I would have to explain my weakness to the meteor rocks. How the heck would I do that? What could I possibly say that isn't 'well, you see, I am an alien from outer space and they hurt me'. I don't even know why they hurt me.

I think I'll just leave it alone and move past it on my own. I can do that. I've had to do that before

@ 08:39 pm

I went to the party at the Talon and Whitney freaked. He acted like I was after Lana. He warned me to stay away from her, and since Lex and I are not out of the closet, I couldn't tell him that I'm very gay and have no interest whatsoever in his ex. In fact, I wanted to tell him that she for sure would have no interest whatsoever in him, but he flipped on me. I went to the men's bathroom to find him throwing one of the stall doors across the room. He was crazy. He said that his training taught him all kinds of new things.

I wish he would believe me. Both Lana and I told him that we are not dating and that we are nothing more than friends. It kind of pissed me off a little. He wouldn't believe me no matter what I said.

He must be in really rough shape. He was so furious with me. I wasn't sure what to think. I wish I could have just told him that I'm gay and there is no way I would ever date Lana. 

Chloe looked so unhappy at how much time Lana was spending with Whitney, and I don't blame her. I wonder if Lana thinks that things would be easier if she were with Whitney. This could turn into a real mess. I know Lana would never abandon Whitney when he needs her, but she really should just be honest with him. After all she's gone through, I really hope she doesn't decide that Whitney is the better road to take.

 

08 February @ 07:39 pm

He's not Whitney. He's actually Tina! I just got back from trying to talk to Whitney and he freaked out on me. He pushed me far enough away that I knew something was up. I'm hard to push away. When I x-rayed him, his skeleton looked exactly like Tina's. It had a green glow and I've never seen anybody else who has that glow.

At least I got away unscathed except now she's trying to get to Lana again. I will never forget how she tried to kill my friend.

This morning when I tried to tell Lana about Whitney's freak-out episode at the Talon, she said that Whitney claimed I did those things. Now I know why. After everything that Lana and I have been through, I wish she'd trust me. 

At least I got to see Lex. I stopped by the mansion after school. We played a few games of pool. The best part about the visit was when we went up to Lex's bedroom. I wanted to relax and help Lex relax. He looked so hot. I wanted to dive on him, but I managed to restrain myself, mostly. I stripped him down and kissed him all over. He looked amazing laid out on those sheets with his legs spread and his skin flushed from what I'd done to him.

I took us both in my hand and stroked us together until we came. He came first and I watched him squeeze his eyes shut as he came all over my hand and belly. Then I licked our come off my hand. It tasted interesting mingled together. 

I felt so lazy after that. I didn't want to get up.

Lex has no idea how hot he is. I can't help myself when we're together and his body is beneath me. When we're alone and I can be me, it's like paradise. I feel so much more relaxed now that I don't have to hide my strength from him. I look forward to the day when I can be totally me with him. For now, this is more than enough. 

 

09 February @ 09:28 pm

Nobody believed me when I tried to tell them that Whitney was actually Tina. Lana told me that I was crazy to think that. Then earlier tonight, Tina pretended to be my dad and she put Lana's necklace around my neck. She threw me down into the cellar and left me for dead, but my ship saved me. It did something to the meteor rock in the necklace. The green rock is clear now, and it doesn't hurt me. My ship saved me! I had no idea it could activate without that key. It never has before, but I think that maybe it protects me.

Mom and Dad found me. I'm so glad this whole thing is over. I tried to reason with Tina. She was crazy. It was totally creepy, fighting her when she looked like me. When I first rushed into the Talon, there were two of Chloe. That was weird enough, but then Tina flipped out and knocked Chloe and Lana out when the real Chloe proved who she was. Then Tina changed into me! I didn't mean for it to happen. When I tried to stop her from rushing me she was impaled. Just before she died, she asked me to take care of Lana. 

What a huge mess. It's so senseless. Lana's friend Beth is dead. She died in Lana's arms. Tina murdered her for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Lana looked so traumatized. She cried in my arms and I had no idea how to comfort her. 

Once Chloe and Lana got home safely, I came back up here to the loft. Mom is so awesome. She brought up a glass of milk and some cookies, and sat with me. 

I hold Lana's necklace in my hand and for the second time it doesn't hurt me. The last time was when I lost my abilities. This time, the stone has been changed.

I wish I could restart the day and make it like it never happened.

 

10 February @ 10:33 pm

Whitney is dead. They found his body. When I went by to try to talk to Lana, she wasn't up to seeing anybody. Later on, I went down to the caves to be alone and Lana showed up. She apologized for not believing me about Tina.

She's a total wreck. Not only did she lose her friend Beth, but also Whitney is never coming back. She couldn't stop crying. We stayed down in the caves for a while until she pulled herself together, and then I took her home. 

I don't even know what to feel.

 

11 February @ 10:55 am

This is so hard for me. Somebody who was always a large part of the community is gone. Mom and I went by this morning to see his mother. She's in really bad shape. After all the trauma Tina put her through, making her think that her son was alive only to find out that he had died in combat: I can't even imagine how that must feel. I didn't know what to say to her. When she thanked me and grabbed my hand, I just stood there at a loss for words. 

I couldn't help think - what if it had been me, and my mom and dad had to deal with the loss. I was never close to Whitney, but when her mom told me that he was a good boy, I just nodded and agreed. It was so hard. 

Earlier in the week when I found her tied up and brought her to the hospital, I felt this rage. How could anybody do something like that to another person? I don't know if I will ever understand what Tina did to Mrs. Fordman, Lana and Beth. We found out that Tina was the one who outed Lana and Chloe. Pete just told me this morning that when I left him with Lana the other day, Lana turned out to be Tina. That was when she told him what she'd done. I was so relieved to find this out. I was relieved for Pete and for Chloe, because their friendship has been so strained. There was a part of me that just didn't believe Pete would have done it. I know he can keep secrets. I'm glad that part of me was right.

Last night I went by the mansion to see Lex. We sat by the fire, and I drank some hot chocolate. It was exactly what I needed right then. I feel so lucky to have him in my life. It's important to cherish the people you have in your life. If I've learned one thing this week, it's that we should never take people for granted, because you never know when they will be gone.

@ 11:53 pm

Mom and Dad would probably be really angry if they knew what I did. I took a piece of the meteor rock down to the storm cellar with me. I had it in this lead box and when I got down there, I opened up the box. I wanted to see the ship do its thing. 

It did something to the meteor rock again. The meteor rock is clear and harmless to me. I wish the ship could give me answers. I wish I knew where I came from and why I was sent here. If only I could find out. 

I sat for hours tonight, just staring at that thing. I wanted it to stay gone. Now it sits, mocking me.

Mom came down with some cookies and hot chocolate and hugs. She's so amazing. I can't even imagine what it must feel like for her, having me for a son. I shoot fire out of my eyes; I float... who knows what I'll do next.

Late at night when I lie in bed, I have way too much time to think about these things. I can't talk to anybody about it. This journal has saved my sanity so many times. 

I have other things to think about now that Lex knows about my strength. Once I tell him everything, I'll be able to go to him with all my fears and all my nightmares. I'll be able to share every part of me with him. Then maybe this feeling of guilt will go away.

 

13 February @ 10:42 pm

Lana's friend Beth was buried on Saturday. The service was just for close friends. Even though I didn't know Beth that well, I went. Lex was there as well. I wanted to honor her memory. Lana read a poem. She said it was Beth's favorite.

My heart feels heavy. Whitney's body is supposed to come home in a few days. Mom's been really quiet the last few days. She's extra attentive and I get that. She keeps asking me if I'm okay. I guess I am. I don't really know. Most of the time, I feel fine. Sometimes I feel like it doesn't affect me then it suddenly hits me that I will never talk to him ever again. I won't get to tell him that I took care of Lana for him.

I spent most of today with Pete. We talked about the past. I told him everything about what happened that night when Whitney and his friends chose me for the scarecrow. I don't feel bitter anymore. It sucks that it happened, but it happened and there's nothing I can do or say to change it so I just have to move on. 

I still have nightmares about it. Last night I had one. I dreamt that I wasn't saved, that I was left out overnight and nobody came for me. I was still there out in the field. It was snowing and people walked by as if they didn't see me.

I have homework to do. I put it off until now. I don't want to do it. I want to stare at the stars, and imagine other worlds. I want to be somewhere else.

 

15 February @ 05:58 pm

Lex had my necklace fixed and when I went over last night, he gave it back to me. My hands were shaking so bad, I was afraid I'd break it again, so I handed it to him and he put it on me. 

I gave Chloe and Lana Valentine's Day cards. I wanted to cheer them up a little. Ever the helpful friend, Pete reminded me that I have no chance with Lana unless I have boobs. He seemed a little bitter when he said it. Then he proceeded to tell me all about what he had planned for him and Jenny. I was just amazed that he was still dating her. 

I gave Mom three red roses and a card. I went over to the mansion to see Lex, and to give Mom and Dad some alone time. Lex was by himself, just like I knew he would be. We went up to his private room and ordered in pizza.

His kisses were amazing, but then everything about him was amazing. He is amazing. The way he trusts me and holds me in his arms. He makes me feel safe and exposed, but in a good way. He gives me something I never thought I'd have from someone I date. He gives me unconditional love. It felt so overwhelming before, but now it's different. I feel normal and he's the one who gives me that. There's no way I'm ever giving that up. 

I want to spend the rest of my life with Lex. I'd never tell him that. I did when I had that red meteor ring on, but I can't do it now. The way he touches me, like I'm breakable even though I'm so strong. When we kiss and I take his clothes off and he lies there, giving his body to me completely, I love him even more. 

We didn't have sex. I sucked him off and he pulled my pants and briefs down and jerked me off. I couldn't look him in the eyes when he did it. I felt so vulnerable, like he could see right into me, and know what I was thinking. It's terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time. He's so intimidating. He makes me want to show the world the best parts of me.

I know I'd never have the guts to tell Lex all these things. I'll have to think of a way to show him. 

Now that I have the necklace back, I feel much better about what happened. I didn't mean to break it and whenever I lose control of my strength like that it makes me feel five again. I'm reminded of why I can't have normal things that other kids have.

Lex is still wearing the bracelet I gave him. He wears it under his shirtsleeve, hidden from prying eyes. When I saw that he still had it on, I did this little dance of joy in my head. Not a real dance, since I totally suck at that.

Things for Lex and me are perfect. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. I totally love and worship the ground he walks on, not to mention he has the hottest ass ever, and his cock makes me hard just thinking about it. This morning I woke up hard. I had this dream that Lex let me suck him off, and when I realized it wasn't a dream, that it really happened, I jerked off. It was a good thing that I was alone, because it took me less than a minute to come. 

If I keep writing, this post could become the mushiest post ever. For now I'm going to stop thinking about him and go see the real thing. He's probably in major need of a break. I can give that to him. Maybe he'll let me suck him off again. That would be so awesome. I could just walk into his office, get between his legs, and suck him off while he does work. He wouldn't even have to stop.

 

16 February @ 11:45 pm

I think I just died and went to heaven. When Lex stripped me naked and then stripped himself, and climbed up on top of me and lowered himself on my cock, I almost came on the spot! He was so fucking hot. I have never seen him so happy, so fucking gorgeous, and so fucking... everything.

I want to go back to the mansion right now so he can ride me again. Man that was the best sex ever. I didn't think when I went over tonight that he would do that.

He is so hot! So fucking hot! When I got home and ran into Dad I blushed harder than I have ever blushed in my life when he asked me what I had been up to.

Fuck! Lex fucking rocks! I want to sneak back into his bedroom so I can have him ride me all night long. I want him to look at me that way for the rest of my life. I want to see that happiness in his eyes every single day. I want him to love me forever. I want so many things right now. I am so hyper. I went for a long run and hit the east coast before I stopped. I think I'm faster now. I was home in time to do chores and mom and dad never even noticed I was gone. 

Man, I wish every day would be like today. If we moved in together we could have it. I can't wait until I'm old enough and we can be roommates with extra perks. I can see it now, my flannels and jeans side-by-side with his suits and silk. I love this idea. I wonder how he'd feel if I asked him about it? 

Clark Kent and Lex Luthor; I really do like the sound of that. 

Fuck, I need to go for another run or jerk off fifty times. I should walk into Lex's office and suck his cock more often, especially if it gets me this hot sex the very next day.

 

18 February @ 09:04 pm

A part of my life is over. Today was Whitney's funeral. The whole town was there. His friends were there and the two people who helped him last year actually apologized to me for what they did. I told them I knew Whitney wasn't a bad person. I feel like that chapter is closed.

It's my dad's birthday this weekend. He and my mom are planning a nice picnic out and the evening alone. I told Dad I'd make myself scarce. That shouldn't be hard. I plan to spend some time with Lex. Tonight I plan to stay in and read. I haven't stargazed in a while so I think I'm going to run out to the far field and lay down in the grass. The sky is so clear tonight. I hope it stays that way all night.

 

19 February @ 10:31 pm

I can't believe this. How long has his dad been spying on him? Lex found all these cameras and bugs in his office and we have had sex in there so many times! That means Lionel not only knows but he has proof, evidence of what Lex and I do. 

I found Lex in his trashed office when I went over tonight to surprise him. I was going give him another one of my impromptu blowjobs but when I arrived he was trashing his office. Everything was smashed, ripped to shreds or otherwise broken. He told me that his father has been spying on him and he has no idea how long it's been going on. 

I'm totally freaked out. What if Lionel has proof? He could use it against Lex to hurt him. I can't even imagine a father doing these things to his own son. Why would he do it? Just so he could steal contracts from him? It's not fair. I don't want to think about it, but how can I not? 

Like when I told Lex about my strength. I could have done that in his office! What if I had? Then his dad would know. I'm terrified now that I said something and I can't remember everything I said when I was in that room. What if it's been bugged all this time?

I helped Lex find the rest of the bugs and cameras while I was there. 

Maybe I could go to Lionel and ask him to give whatever he has to me. I was going to say something to Lex about it but I think Lex has enough on his mind. He was so angry. I have never seen him so furious. He lost an important business contract. A few days ago he told me it was a done deal, and now his dad got it by spying on Lex.

The more I think about it, the more I freak out. What the heck do I tell mom? How am I going to tell her? 

'Hey mom, I gave Lex blowjobs and stuff in his office and I think that his dad might now have video and audio proof.' 

That would go over so well.

My mom is going to flip out. I'm going to have to go to Lionel and beg him to destroy them or something. There's no way he doesn't have something. I gave Lex a blowjob just the other day in there and Lex said he has no idea how long the office has been bugged. Just the other week Lex rode me while I sat in a chair! 

Maybe I can steal them somehow. Maybe I should talk to Lex about this. He'll know what to do about it once he's dealt with what happened. I know he has to deal with his company first. That is way more important than me. If something happened, so many people would suffer. 

I just can't believe that Lionel would do this. My dad would never even think to do something like this.

 

20 February @ 09:48 am

I can't believe my mom just chose her job with Lionel over my Dad's birthday. I know she said she had to go into the office and that this job means a lot to her, but I'm stunned. I don't think I have ever seen my dad this hurt. Ever since mom left, he's been withdrawn. He won't talk to me at all. I wish there were some way I could fix this. 

Last night, after I came home from Lex's place, I felt a little at a loss. I didn't know how to help him. Things with his dad have deteriorated and when I found out what his father's been doing, I wanted to run and hide. But I can't hide. I have to make this right for my parents. I'm planning something and I hope it works. I have to call the best places to dine in the city, and reserve a table. I can't stand to see dad so upset.

@ 11:50 pm

This day went from bad to worse. My mom almost died! She had a gun to her head. Those people could have killed her. There's no way was Lex a part of that. No way. 

Nothing seemed to go right. I tried to fix things for my Dad, but when he saw that I had asked Lex to help, Dad freaked. He was furious. Lex and my Dad had a fight. Lex told Dad off big time. I kind of think Dad deserved it. I was the one who asked Lex for help and Dad just crapped all over him and his helicopter ride. Then Dad told Lex that Lex corrupted me. I was mortified. I couldn't believe my Dad humiliated me like that. I felt like a little kid.

After Lex stormed out, I tried to talk to Dad, but dad told me that I couldn't fix this. He said me that I need to stop seeing Lex. He said all these things... It got worse once we got back from the city. Dad said he overheard Lex talking to the kidnappers. He said that the whole thing was Lex's fault. He ordered me to never talk to Lex again. I told Dad there was no way Lex would ever do something like that. 

My mind is in turmoil. Lionel had bars of refine meteor rocks in the safe in his office. I hate those meteor rocks so much. He had files on me! Mom told me to burn them so I don't even know what was in them. 

I am never ever, ever, ever, ever going up high again as long as I live! That was so scary. I didn't even make it all the way across, and what the heck is Lionel going to think about that broken window? Stupid idea! I almost want to yell at Dad for letting me go ahead with it, but at least mom is safe. I just keep telling myself that the most important thing is that Mom and Lionel are both safe, and the thieves/kidnappers are in custody or dead. 

After it was over, I was so happy that I didn't care how we got home. We ended up taking a bus. I held mom's hand the whole ride. I was too afraid to let her go. People gave me weird looks, but I didn't care. I was just happy my mom was okay.

They're in their bedroom right now, hopefully making up.

I wish I could help Lex with his dad. The way his father just brushed Lex aside, I know it hurt him, but at least his dad is moving out of the mansion. I heard that much before I gave them some privacy. 

There's no way Lex had anything to do with this. There just isn't any way he could have... Dad is so convinced. He said Lex didn't deny it when he confronted Lex about it. 

We didn't ask Mom for details. I really don't want to hear anything else about it. The story has been on the news all night. They're still running it. I wish they would stop talking about how I broke in against police orders and thought I should be in custody. The cops let me go. Is the press allowed to say that? Are they really allowed to say that I should be in jail? The press is so annoying.

At least I get to see Lex on the news. They keep showing him with his Dad. His dad just brushed him off. I should have told Mom and Dad that I would stay with Lex and go home with him. I know why I couldn't do it. Beyond the fact that I really wanted to be with my parents, the media might have gotten something on tape. There were a lot of cameras. 

Why did this have to happen? This whole day just needs to be erased.

 

21 February @ 02:34 pm

Mom came down this morning with her letter of resignation. She wanted to quit her job, but both she and dad said she needed to keep it to spy on Lionel. I know if it wasn't for mom taking that job we might never have found out about the file Lionel had on me, but this just makes me sick. I don't want any part of this and I have no say. I'm just a kid who's caught in the middle of everything. 

There's no school today because of the holiday. After morning chores, Dad told me that when I do deliveries today, I have to come straight home afterwards. He basically implied that I was not to hang out with Lex for any reason whatsoever. I didn't say anything. 

I've felt so lost all morning. I called Lex last night but it went straight to voicemail and he hasn't called me back. I wanted to make sure he was okay. 

I'm going to hang out in the loft between chores because right now I don't want to be near Dad. Pete called this morning to ask how I was doing and to tell me how being friends with Lex is the worse mistake possible. It hurt to hear him say that. I would tell him that it wasn't Lex's fault, but Pete won't listen. He's determined to blame Lex for everything wrong in the world. It's getting harder to listen to my best friend make disparaging comments about my boyfriend. Lana called as well. At least she wasn't down on Lex.

Then there's the whole issue of what dad claims. Dad point blank told me that Lex is not to be trusted at all, ever. I looked over at mom, but what could she say? She's probably thinking I was a fool to get involved with him and that I never should have told him as much as I have about my abilities. 

My heart is so heavy right now. I want to believe that Lex would never have anything to do with all this, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that his family is so much more different than mine. I can't even understand any of it. Lex has done things in the past because he felt he had to get one up on his father. I just wish Lex and his father could just get along. 

I wish I could go to Lionel, talk to him, and try to get him to see what he's doing. He's killing his son, little by little. Sometimes it feels like all I can do is watch it happen.

I just wish that life wasn't so complicated. It's not too much to ask for, is it? 

@ 08:49 pm

He was just a few feet in front of me and I felt like that boy who walked into his house to return the keys to that truck. I didn't know what to do or say. I felt out of place. Lex looked so tired. He tried to hide it, but I could tell. I saw something in his eyes when I told him that I had to get home to do chores. If I didn't know better, I would say I saw hope die. My hands were shaking the whole drive home.

I obeyed my father and only stayed long enough to do the delivery. I wanted to reach out and touch him, and now that I'm home, sitting here alone in the dark, I wish I had. Maybe I was afraid if I asked him what his involvement in all this was, I wouldn't like the answers.

Because if he really did have something to do with those men, what does it say about him, what does it say about me that I love somebody like Lex? 

I feel so alone right now. I can't talk to anybody about any of this. My parents would not get it and my fear binds me. 

I need to run right now because if I stay here for one more second, I don't know what I'll do.

 

22 February @ 04:11 pm

I don't know what got into me. I was just so pissed off at Lex. When I saw him walk into the Talon, my mood totally changed. I was having a great time with Pete, and then Pete left because he didn't want to be near Lex. I didn't want Pete to leave. 

Then I forced myself to stay and talk to Lex. It wasn't anything big, just small talk, but I wasn't in the mood so I lied and said I have a ton of work to do at home. Lex chased after me! Right there on Main Street! 

I really wasn't in the mood. When he grabbed me to stop me, it just set me off. I know I hurt him when I grabbed his arm and I feel bad for doing that, but I needed to get away. I was afraid that I would say something even worse. I was afraid that I would ask him about what happened. There was no way I could do it right there because if I had, I don't know that I could have controlled myself. 

When I got home, I was so frustrated that I had to burn a pile of fence posts with my heat vision. I thought that my heat vision was about sex, but with Lex it seems the rules are always different. 

I need to know. I can't keep this up.

 

22 February @ 04:58 pm

Dear Lex:

I'm sorry about this afternoon at the Talon. I've had a lot on my mind the last few days. I can't get that image of my mom with a gun to her head out of my mind. It was probably the most terrifying moment of my life. Then my dad told me something I just can't believe.

He said that he overheard you talking to the criminals. He said he thinks you had something to do with what happened. I told him there was no way you'd do that. He really believes that you caused the whole thing. Is that true? Did you, Lex? Please be honest with me.

Clark

 

23 February @ 11:01 am

Last night, I went to the mansion. I was worried. I thought for sure Lex would drink himself into oblivion. I was right. I found him in his bedroom drunk. He looked sad in his silk pajamas, lying on the sofa. He refused to tell me what was wrong. I promised him that I wouldn't leave no matter what. I tried to get him to talk but instead we ended up kissing and I picked him up and moved him to the bed. It was so exhilarating. 

I showed Lex my speed. He was impressed. I love using my speed to undress. Not only does it feel really cool on my skin, but also it saves time. It took way too long for him to get the idea that I wanted him to strip naked too, even though I asked him a few times. The look on his face was so amusing. Of course the look could have been because I was standing in front of him completely naked, stroking my cock. Somehow, I think it was seeing me dressed then undressed in the next second. I always wondered what I looked like when I do that.

I felt so good. He was under me and I was in him, and then he said it. He told me he hired those thugs. He told me right when I was about to come that he hired those men who held my mom hostage. They were supposed to bug Lionel's office but they had other ideas. 

Worst timing ever.

I couldn't stop. I was on the edge of climax and Lex freaking tells me right then that he hired those men because he wanted to get back at his dad. Then later he told me that he did it to protect my family and me. 

I grabbed the headboard in one hand and tore it apart. I didn't even realize I'd done it until afterwards. I think I almost crushed Lex's shoulder. That's the third bed I've broken since I told him about my strength. Good thing Lex is rich.

I was so furious, but then Lex reminded me that I had made a promise and he was right. Lex means so much to me and just because he makes a few bad choices does not mean I'm going to walk away. I have made some stupid choices in my life.

After I cleaned up, I went back into the bedroom. I wanted to leave so I could think. I didn't know what to do or say. Well, I knew what to say, it went something like 

'What the f&%$ were you thinking? I can't believe you would do something so insane!' 

When I said that my dad was right, I realized that I couldn't just brush this aside, but I also realized that I love Lex.

He said that he had told me while we were having sex because he wanted me to take my anger out on him! I was shocked. He knows how strong I am and he still tried to get me to freak out enough to hurt him. I think maybe he really didn't get how strong I actually am. There was no way I was going to hurt him. I have never taken my anger out on a person. I've only ever broken things.

I showed him what my anger means. I moved him away from the bed and took that bed, which I'd already trashed, and threw it against the far wall. It was like tossing paper across the room. To say that Lex was shocked would be an understatement. His exact words were - 'Fuck, Clark'. 

And through all of this, Lex was hard. I think my strength turns him on. 

I forgave him, held him in my arms, and jerked him off until he came.

He was shocked that I would forgive him. I tried to explain to him that even though he does crazy things sometimes, I still love him. I love all of him. I hope he got it. I hope he understood. I might be totally shallow, but I have never been so turned on than I was last night by Lex's reaction to my strength. I really like when he calls me Angel. The nickname has grown on me. I think it's the way he says it.

It's totally insane and makes no sense but I think we're made for each other. I should call him today and tell him that. I think I will.

@ 02:48 pm

I feel like my life is constantly in a whirl. Sometimes things are good and sometimes they're so bad. After this past weekend's events, things looked bad. My parents seem okay, but I think that my mom's job is taking its toll on their relationship. I have no say since I'm just the kid. I was told to butt out.

Things with Lex seemed rocky until last night.

He's not perfect and neither am I so I can deal. I love him anyway.

@ 11:44 pm

My dad is in jail! The police arrested him. They think he shot Lionel.

I can't believe this. This is just not right. It can't be. My dad would never do that. 

Lionel dad is in the hospital. I called Lex to see how his dad was doing. He said his dad isn't doing too well. 

Things were getting back on track. Why does this have to happen?

 

24 February @ 07:57 pm

I went to visit dad in jail. I know he's innocent. I just know it, and not just because he told me so. I know my dad. I think mom actually thought for a second that dad might have done it. I guess dad hates Lionel that much, but I know no matter how much he hates him, dad would never take a gun and shoot somebody.

It's all over the news. The whole community knows. People give me these looks. The evidence is so bad. It all looks so bad. I wish I could prove his innocence. Mr. Stanton won't take his case, Lana saw a fight between my dad and Lionel, the police had a search warrant, and I feel like my family is falling apart. 

I wish it would all end. I miss my dad. I want him here, on the sofa, reading his evening paper, grunting when I ask him a question or asking me what I did today. I did all the chores just so when he comes home, he'll be able to rest. I wish he'd come home now.

@ 10:46 pm

When I was a little boy, mom and dad used to hide the cookie jar up high. No matter how high up they put it, I always managed to find a way to get to it. There was this one time when I was four I climbed up onto this old rickety chair that dad was supposed to fix. I was already strong at that age, though not totally invulnerable. I reached as far as I could, but no matter how far I reached I couldn't get the cookies. 

I crashed to the kitchen floor. I broke the chair and the counter and dented the kitchen floor. Mom and dad came rushing into the room. Mom was so panicked. I thought for sure I would get into trouble but dad just laughed and laughed and he picked me up, brushed me off, and lifted me until I could reach those cookies. 

There's no way that my dad, who took me in - never ever yelled at me no matter how many things I broke or how much trouble I got myself into - would ever shoot anybody.

I am going to find out who did this.

 

25 February @ 11:24 am

He lied to me. After all the truths I've spilled and Lex can't tell me about the fight he had with his father... my dad sits in a jail accused of something he didn't do and Lex can't confide in me.

I don't even know what to do now. Am I grasping at straws? Is Pete right? I found a bullet lodged in a beam where they found dad. Is the sheriff right? Am I just reaching? I know my dad didn't do this. I know that somebody is setting him up.

What if it is Lex that set him up? My dad knows about us. It would serve Lex to have him out of the way and to get rid of his own father all in one stroke. I know Lex and his dad have a bad relationship and I've seen Lex kill somebody before, but would he really do this? 

I have to just accept the truth. As much as Lex doesn't know about me I don't know him at all. Sometimes he does these crazy things, like trying to bug his father's office. 

I hadn't seen Lex for a few days because of all the turmoil. I just saw him at the hospital and I couldn't even comfort him. He warned me away with a look. I wanted to hug him, but it was too public. 

I just feel so betrayed and it's so stupid because I know I'm not forthright with him, but to hide something this big... he must have known the sheriff would need this information.

That man in the hospital, Dominic, thinks Lex could do it. What if he's right and I'm wrong? What if Lex really is trying to get his father and my father out of the way? I just can't believe it. 

At least Ethan said he'd get somebody out to check out that bullet. Maybe when he does that things will clear up and we can find out what really happened. If I have to watch my mom fret one more night, I don't know what I'll do.

Last night Mom was so amazing and so strong. She's the glue that keeps our family together. I sat in dad's spot on the sofa and I didn't want to go to sleep. I kept hoping he'd walk in the door. She sent me up to bed and she was right. Even if I spent most of the night tossing and turning at least it gave me a chance to think about everything I've found out so far.

@ 09:07 pm

I wasn't going there to accuse him of anything, but I was mad and I said something. I shouldn't have said it. I have seen him kill before, but I was just so angry that he lied to me. I was furious. My dad's life is on the line here. He could go to jail for a long time. If Lionel dies, I could be visiting my dad on weekends. On top of that, Lex kicked me out of the mansion! 

Lex makes me so angry some times. 

He lied to me. He expects me to stay out of it. How am I supposed to do that? How do I stay out of something when it's my dad who's right in the middle of it? How? Just tell me how I do that.

I wish this would all end. 

He kicked me out!!!!!

 

26 February @ 08:22 pm

Everything is back to normal, sort of.

Dad is home. Lionel dad is awake. We caught the real shooter. I didn't want to believe it was he, but it was. He and my dad used to be so close. It's so sad. I almost felt bad except that it freed dad. Dad's been quiet since he got home.

Lex lost his company. I can't even imagine how horrible that must feel to lose something that you worked so hard for.

I'm just so glad it's over. 

Now I have to make a public apology to Lex. He did not deserve my anger. My anger was misdirected and I was a total jerk. I was upset and freaked that my dad would spend the rest of his life in jail. The evidence against him was strong and I was desperate but that's no excuse for what I did. I treated him badly and I shouldn't have let my anger get the better of me. 

I'm really sorry, Lex. I care about you and the way I treated you was not the way I should treat somebody I care about. You're important to me and I know we already made up, but I just wanted to let you know that I miss you and that I'm really sorry about what happened. I'm sorry for all of it. I wish I could help with your dad, and if I could do something to get you back your company, I'd do it in a heartbeat.


End file.
